Teen Wolf S05E01 "Creatures of the Night" Time is a made-up concept we invented to help separate past from present and we mark it by seconds, hours, days, or in my case discarded Starburst wrappers. But time is useful in that we can use it to measure to the exact minute how empty our lives have been without Teen Wolf. No offense to every single other show, but if your name isn't Teen Wolf, get out of here. It is pretty much the only show that matters. To be fair, Teen Wolf must shoulder at least A LITTLE of the blame for abandoning us and ruining our lives since the end of Season 4, as it had just given us like 36 new episodes with very little hiatus in between and then suddenly BAM! A grueling 9 months of nothing. We could have all gotten pregnant and given birth to babies since Teen Wolf was last on! And we all did give birth, to babies named Sadness. Well, it's time to leave Lil Sadness in a basket by the firehouse because Teen Wolf is finally BACK and we can get on with our lives, much like the teenage monsters of Beacon Hills. The concept of time loomed over Teen Wolf's Season 5 premiere "Creatures of the Night" in that the episode was all about the beginning of senior year, and what that means for the kids. College applications, acceptances, and relocations are all imminent, and several of our heroes were openly stressing about whether their circle of friends, their pack, could survive such a shift. Meanwhile, they'd all been marking the days since their LAST descent into unfathomable horror and noting that another unspeakable villain was due to arrive any second. But time also moved slowly as the episode took place over the course of only a few hours, and time also tricked us in that the beginning and end proved to be flash-forwards. Also there was the malfunctioning clock. And at one point everyone was reading Time Magazine. Just kidding. But anyway, "Creatures of the Night" was a sensational hour of television bursting with creative thought and emotion and was a huge, huge return to this incredible world we've come to know and love. Let's talk about it! We began at Eichen House, which is German for the Mental Hospital That God Forgot. Things were not going great at this particular facility, which we could tell by the ominous crow chilling on the signage. But things got worse when we learned the episode's first twist: Lydia had been institutionalized! And not only that, but she was surrounded by evil staff members who apparently had HAD IT with banshees and were NOT buying her supposed catatonia. (Thanks A LOT, Meredith.) She was in a bad state, in other words. As far as I could tell she was not being kept in the secret wing with all the supernatural creatures, so there were no Peter Hale cameos in this episode, sorry. Then one of the doctors was like, "Don't worry I'm the nice one," and then started repeatedly stabbing her in the arm with a syringe like he was getting off on it. We were only two minutes in and this was already my worst nightmare. Thankfully Lydia finally WOKE UP. And not only did Lydia wake up, she made a hospital escape so awesome that even Sarah Connor would've been like, "Damn." Uh, first of all, did you know that Lydia's banshee powers are like 1,000 times stronger than before? She was seriously running around throwing scream-fireballs at everybody and knocking chumps to the ground right and left. Not only that but she seemed to have picked up some basic kung fu along the way. The fact that I laughed and clapped the whole way through this sequence should not surprise you, because you probably did too. Banshees get RESULTS now! But just before Lydia could make her final escape into the rainy night, a familiar face arrived to inform her that she wasn't mentally well yet. It was my second-favorite werewolf twin, Aiden, and he raised a good point about Lydia's sanity in that she was seeing Aiden and he was extremely dead at the moment. So unless there was some serious werewolf voodoo going on (which was not out of the question), she was probably imagining things. But before the guards could taze her into submission, she had one last prophecy to mumble: UH-OH! Cue the new opening titles! Same incredible song (the best TV theme song of all time) with a few new noteworthy changes. Like, the absence of Tyler Hoechlin (sadface), but the addition of THIS guy: It is official, that is his actual name. And, of course, the best and most evocative image was saved for the Jeff Davis title card, as always: I meannnnnn. Hope we all like nightmares! That room must smell awful. Next: Page 2 (Continued from Page 1) We first reunited with TV's Best Brothers as they hung out on Stiles' jeep overlooking the city. Stiles was stressing about college, specifically whether they could all get into colleges near the Bay Area and live close enough to each other to continue being a pack. Meanwhile, Scott was stressing because he knew that they had dealt with extreme horror pretty much every semester since he'd first turned into a wolf teen, and a new semester was set to begin. There was definitely a threat lingering in the air, just as there was a tiny lil monster chained to a tree behind them. Liam! Liam was still a baby werewolf and couldn't control his impulses yet. Apparently the previous full moon he ran around town naked and bit everything, which is amusing to think about for a number of reasons but mostly the idea that A LOT of people saw this happen but probably didn't think anything of it, that's how weird the town had gotten over the years. Anyway, Liam was definitely tired of getting chained up and was ready to be trusted again. And because Scott is a single dad with a lot on his plate, he unchained Liam and let him go about his life with some words of encouragement. Meanwhile, a truly insane lightning storm started messing everything up and the sheriff's station devolved into chaos! Deputy Parrish was sick and tired of answering phones instead of being out in the field, especially because he'd been bodybuilding for months and months and was ready to join the towel party. Sheriff Stilinski was just as stressed & handsome & stressed as usual, so he sent Parrish to investigate a noise complaint. Parrish was disappointed that it wasn't something more serious, but this was Beacon Hills, so he should have immediately known some bad sh*t was about to go down. First of all, the "noise" was coming from an abandoned house, which is never a good sign. Second of all, he could hear noises and scuffling coming from behind a newly bricked-in basement room. Oh, and also, the wall BLED BLACK OOZE when he tried to knock it down. Which, and I am not sure if this was totally explained, had something to do with the ooze-covered werewolf paved inside? Like, was the werewolf in the actual wall or what? Anyway, here's what it looked like when the creature suddenly burst out and lifted Parrish up by the throat: Not only was that werewolf covered in weird ooze, it had giant, glowing blue claws? NOW I've seen everything. In addition to stabbing Parrish in the ripped abs, he demanded to know where Scott McCall was. The answer was that Scott McCall was on the side of the road somewhere fixing Stiles' engine with duct tape while lighting crashed around them weirdly as only a supernatural creature could make happen. The lightning storm was a brilliant idea in that it prevented everyone from using electronics or cell phones, and it united A LOT of disparate characters into one cozy dilemma. Seriously, the sheer amount of cleverness and ambition it took to plot this episode was a major reminder of why this show is so riveting. Phoned in, this thing is not. So much was going on, and so much of it was original, and all of it was entertaining. This was cute and ridiculous: A felled tree was lifted up by a number of stranded motorists, but look who did most of the lifting: MALIA!! Malia had a new haircut, but still had that classic DGAF attitude. (Also, hey look, her father is back! Ever since he was killed off on The Originals I'd been hoping he'd return to Teen Wolf, and now he has!). But mostly I'm so happy to see Malia again—one of TV's best and most refreshingly weird characters—and this episode has made me straight-up giddy again. Ugh, summer has BEGUN you guys. We continued checking in with a few more important residents. Like Mrs. McCall, who came home to yell at Scott about everything only to realize he wasn't even there. Also I loved the reminder that they're poor. That was an odd element of Season 4, that everybody's poor, even the parents with secure, healthy salaries. Anyway, always nice to see Mrs. McCall. Meanwhile, Kira was standing on a Prius trying to get a bar or two on her off-brand cell phone. We could tell she and Scott were still together because she had a picture of him as her wallpaper. But that didn't stop an angelface babyhunk stranger from leering at her flirtatiously. WHO ARE YOU? NEVER LEAVE. Then Kira got back in the car to chill with her parents, which for me would not be a problem because her parents are great. But Kira was 2H2D (too horny to deal), and when her mom started talking about ancient mythology which would clearly foreshadow the entire season (the Great Hunt, look it up) Kira did NOT care. All she wanted to do was mouth attack Scott and this little lecture was not helping. Next: Page 3 (Continued from Page 2) Meanwhile, at the hospital Scott asked Liam to show him his hands it was clear Liam was digging his wolf claws into his palms in order to keep it together. (Metaphor for masturbation probably.) Liam seemed very worried about his werewolf side. But guess who was not worried? Yes, as you can tell, I cannot get enough of these two. We laugh, we jest, we fun around, but that does not change the fact that Scott and Liam's relationship is one of the most touching things on television. It hits emotional beats none of us expected. If this show were as cliche-riddled as the rest of them, there would've been some weird rivalry between Scott and Liam, but it so quickly became this rich, subtle thing where they trust and love each other so much. Anyway, this scene also had a nice moment where Scott mentioned that (the otherwise absent) Derek had said that Liam was especially strong for his age, and Scott assured Liam that feeling out of control also meant he'd be stronger when it mattered. A tiny moment, but one of the best moments of the episode if we're being honest. These two! Later, Scott swung by his house in time to see all the magnets fall off the refrigerator and for the clock to stop ticking correctly and also to feel a small earthquake. Something was UP, and as we know from past seasons of Teen Wolf, it was probably foreshadowing a Big Bad that would not be made apparent for at least a few episodes. In fact, most season premieres have featured threats that were nearly standalone preludes to the actual season plots. So Mr. Glowy Claws was probably not going to be a major thing. Meanwhile, Parrish was still recovering from the attack and he was apparently delusional and horny because guess what he hallucinated? So I think we can understand that Parrish and Lydia are going to be a thing this season? Let's just hope she's 18, Mr. Deputy! At this point, Parrish was saved by Sheriff Stilinski, who carted him to the hospital for a closer look under that shirt. That's when Parrish monster'd out before getting control of himself and then informed them that Glowy Claws was probably a special werewolf who could steal the power of a True Alpha. Please don't ask me to explain what that means. The most important thing was that Mrs. McCall and Sheriff Stilinski were touchin' on each other! Uh oh, is a romance brewing finally? Stay tuned! So then Scott got tired of not seeing Kira (apparently she'd been in New York for a spell, and he was concerned that she'd fallen in love with a New York boy, which, come on. There is no love in New York, do not believe Nora Ephron's lies.) So then he got on his motor bicycle and drove to her Prius and they made out in the rain. Very cinematic, but so painfully teenage. IT WORKED. Next: Page 4 (Continued from Page 3) Meanwhile, Stiles was anxious for the gang to meet up at something called Senior Scribe, a secret seniors-only event that marked the beginning of senior year. Malia couldn't go yet, because she still hadn't found out if she'd passed summer school, which she needed to do in order to become a senior alongside her friends. (That Malia is the ultimate transfer student is endlessly funny to me. From a woodland coyote to a high school student in just a few months!) But this was also a poignant conversation when we learned just how nervous Stiles was about their friendships enduring the transition beyond high school. Malia pointed out that it was normal for people to expand their lives after high school, but Stiles countered that it didn't HAVE to be that way. They were both right, I guess, but that didn't stop the painful reality from setting in. Things have to change and always do. Anyway, this was sophisticated stuff for a teen show, which almost never acknowledge the psychic toll growing up takes on the characters. But "Creatures of the Night" knew that the only thing more important than the future is the present, especially when the present involves two insanely likable people in plaid kissing in the rain. So good. But their reverie was interrupted by a wolfboy who had overheard Parrish describing Mr. Glowy Claws: That's right, Scott was in danger! He and Kira had arrived at the school to make out in an outdoor hallway, but they were not alone. Obviously a good, old fashioned werewolf brawl busted out! But you know what else busted out? Kira's BELT-SWORD! Yes, a belt that turns into a sword. Somebody please market this product, but only if you want to become a billionaire. Anyway, then a frenetically edited fight scene broke out. Lots of slashing claws and sword swipes that never connect. (Kira, get it together!) At one point or another, seemingly random werewolf showed up to help Scott, but not even that worked! Pretty soon Kira, the rando, and even Scott were powerless against Glowy Claws, who seemed poised to suck the alpha power right out of Scott! EXCEPT, NICE TRY. Scott is a TRUE ALPHA, haven't you heard? It'll take more than an ooze-covered chump to gank HIS glow! Next thing we knew, Scott broke the dude's arm and chopped off all his fingernails and left him crying in a mud puddle, as befits a hater. The friends showed up just in time co-sign his victory, and Scott then proceeded to figure out who the F this new dude was. Besides OUR NEW BOYFRIEND, of course. His name was Theo and he had been a 4th grade classmate of Scott's, a secret werewolf all along, and who had returned to town in order to join Scott's pack. He is almost certainly not trustworthy, but he is suddenly the wolf most likely to have a towel scene, so that's kind of hard to be mad at. He's no Jackson or Isaac (no one will ever be), but it's always exciting to get new blood on this show. Stay tuned! Guess what? Malia passed summer school. She's a senior too! Good job, young coyote woman. If anything I'm jealous she will only have to do 1.5 years of high school. Malia is truly next-level in most ways. So then it was time for the gang to meet up for Senior Scribe, and, as it turned out, Lydia was just fine and not locked up in Eichen House. Which meant, of course, that the cold open was actually a flash-forward! That prophecy about her friends getting killed did not apply to this episode, but rather to what was to come. Dun dun dun, okay? First of all, the school library looked a lot different than it used to, back when the kanima chewed it up. Second of all, this scene was DEVASTATING. The tradition was that seniors marked their initials on the shelf underneath the yearbooks, and a couple of the kids made it meaningful. Like... Stiles found Derek's initials, and Malia's "T" affirmed that she was a Tate and not a Hale. But the most devastating part was, of course, when Scott wrote "A A" underneath his initials. That this show has not forgotten Allison Argent is one of its biggest and most heartfelt strengths, ensuring we know that these kids are empathetic, feeling creatures. Again, they lost their best friend a while ago but that doesn't mean they're over it. They probably never will be, and it's seriously so refreshing that Teen Wolf treats death and loss with the seriousness it deserves. Another tiny moment that says everything you need to know about this show, and this show's respect for its fans. I love a tableau shot, but this one was perfect. The five main gang members enjoying a quick beat of camaraderie before the certain annihilation of the school year sets in. Dark times ahead—you can see in their faces they know it's coming—but for the time being they have each other. So good. Next: Page 5 (Continued from Page 4) Mr. Glowy Claws survived his encounter with Scott, but he was NOT about to survive his encounter with THESE DUDES: We were suddenly in a weird lab, with deformed men in glass tubes and three others in steampunk Cenobite costumes. I am guessing these are the Doctors that the advertising had been promising us, and this one spoke in a weird robotic, filtered voice that included several references to medical procedures, so sure. I'm just gonna assume these were the Doctors! And the prognosis for Glowy Claws was NIL. But this being Teen Wolf, he couldn't simply die. No, not when there was one last f*cked up thing to occur: CROWS FLEW OUT OF HIS BODY. Obviously, duh. Why wouldn't they? Then in one last coda, we returned to Lydia, still nearly catatonic in Eichen House. Fake Aiden (Faiken) tried to get her to narc on her friends, but she realized what was up. Then Aiden turned into an older gentleman who was suddenly grilling Lydia about each character, one by one, and we got cryptic flash-forwards of things that were going to happen to them. Kira was going to go missing, Malia was going to meet the Desert Wolf, Parrish's clothes were going to burn off, Mrs. McCall was going to break up with Sheriff Stilinski. Things like that! I actually loved this tease, as it created a sense of mystery about whether the images we saw will pay off in the ways we expect or not. And above all, this seasons looks INTENSE. Anyway, then the doctor got out a drill and started threatening to give Lydia a lobotomy. BAD MEDICINE in my opinion. "Creatures of the Night" was truly wonderful. I love Teen Wolf in general, but this episode was noticeably inspired, tightly constructed, and packed way more into an hour of television than any of us deserved. There was a lived-in feeling at play here, in that this town felt like home and the characters within it had deep, trusting relationships with each other that were an utter pleasure to revisit. On top of that, the stand-alone threat was gripping and the bigger ones teased for the season seem pretty brilliant to me. It is far too soon to know what this season will hold, but for now it's safe to say that Teen Wolf remains an underrated, must-watch gem, and if the world doesn't believe us, at least you and I know the truth. Teen Wolf is back and possibly better than ever. What a joy to be able to type those words. May summer never end. OK BYE QUESTIONS: ... Are the Doctors licensed professionals? ... Will the gang join the cross country team again this year or should they switch to water polo? ... Lydia + Parrish: Yes or no? ... Where can I buy that belt sword?



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