Wireless News
06-26-2015, 06:40 PM
http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/cXqBA_t3exeLkwZqLQIL4A--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9ZmlsbDtoPTg2O3E9NzU7dz0xMzA-/http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/homerun/cbstv.cbs.com/549a74713238f26dee4b7dec507aba4b (http://news.yahoo.com/under-dome-heck-just-happened-140600408.html)Under the Dome S03E01, S03E02: "Move On," "But I'm Not" When you think about it, we are all under a dome. For some of us, that dome is a pile of student loans. For others, it's a broken relationship with their father. For me, it's a show called Under the Dome. But the good news is we can all get out from under our own personal domes through an alternate reality and crusty sleeping bags filled with phlegm. At least, I think that's what the terrible Season 3 premiere of Under the Dome was trying to say. The torturous double-feature of "Move On" and "But I'm Not" may as well have been in Swahili or Dome-anese because I haven't the foggiest about what actually happened in it. Are we even sure they showed the right episode? Was this a time-traveling episode from Season 13 that came from the future? There isn't a living human being who can properly explain what happened in these two hours, especially Stephen King, and anyone who claims they can is obviously a witch. If the creators of this show aren't in straitjackets by the time Episode 4 of this season airs then we need to call the police or just throw our hands in the air and jump off a cliff. You want to know how batshit insane this episode was? I don't even know if there's still a dome! Even before the episode started, it was painfully obvious that no one knew, nor did they care, about what's going on in this show and what happened in the previous two seasons. Did you hear the "previously on" segment narrated by Barbie? The only solid details it gave us were that three weeks had passed and there was once a dome. Everything else was something along the lines of, "We fought and got scared and I kissed a redhead in the rain." And then at the end he took his maw off the bong and wondered aloud about the way out from the dome they supposedly found at the end of Season 2 (Dome superfans had to infer that). This is what he said, I shit you not: "Now we may have finally found a way out. We hope it takes us home, but what if it takes us to an ALTERNATE REALITY?" Hey, you'll never guess what the big twist to start the season was! It takes balls to think your audience is so dumb and brain dead that you feel the need to explain the big twist in the episode that's about to happen before the episode even begins. Thanks a lot, Barbie. Everyone walked toward the white light after Melanie, but unfortunately for us it wasn't THE "white light" and no one died. It was just a cool white room with a fog machine. Barbie checked his hands and they were covered in slime. Was this an important detail or did the editing room forget to cut that part where Mike Vogel commented on how bad his allergies were? What happened next made no sense, which fit right into the theme of this episode, which was not caring about what was happening on screen. Everyone ended up outside the dome and then it blew up after a pink fireworks show. Take that, stupid dome! The humans win! Except only three minutes had passed in the episode and this was a two-hour premiere. My spidey-senses were a'tinglin'. Something wasn't right. Barbie ran through the broken dome to find Joooolia but all he found were the dead bodies of Joooolia, Junior, and Big Jim, so he cried. THIS WAS ALL PRE-CREDITS. Next: What is going on? (Continued from Page 1) What happened next would amaze you! I mean confuse you. We were taken to Yemen, which is some made-up country, I guess. Why couldn't they use a real country? Yemen? Ha ha what a stupid name for a country. Barbie was back being a military badass looking for hostages, and Hunter was there as his nerdy backup. Barbie also had a hot new black girlfriend named Eva because Barbie is catnip for poon, and Joe kept on texting him to come back to Chester's Mill for some memorial. But when was this happening? Was this some sort of alternate reality or something? How much Lost Season 6 did the Under the Dome writers watch before sitting down in the writers' room and staring dumbfounded at each other? And of all things to take inspiration from, why would you pick Lost Season 6? Barbie did eventually make it back to Chester's Mill, along with Hunter and Eva. Hunter made a comment about how he had to pee really badly and it was uncomfortable for everyone. After some pleasantries with Joe, Barbie and Ben both saw Melanie walking down the street and Ben was stoked because it wasn't just that brownie he ate that was making him see things. But Melanie was also watching them watch her from some purple crystal monitoring room somewhere? This episode did not care if you knew what was going on or not. Ben, always the sensible one, tried to tell Barbie that something weird was going on in Chester's Mill but Barbie was like, "Ha ha, yer high, it's cool I use to smoke dubs when I was your age too." Back in Chester's Mill, Julia and Junior weren't dead, despite Barbie massaging Julia's corpse just a few scenes ago. What was going on? Was someone in some alternate reality or something? If only someone told us about that before the episode even started. They needed a ladder to get across a pit in order to catch up with everyone else, so they went up top to find one and they ran into Big Jim, who also wasn't dead. Big Jim let them take the ladder but he had a parting gift for Junior. Big Jim was like Yosemite Sam for a lot of this episode, just shootin' things for the sake of shootin' things, like TVs and pictures of Junior. Use a remote like a normal person, Big Jim! In case you haven't noticed, the Chester's Mill Best Buy hasn't gotten a new shipment of TVs in like three weeks! Because he felt alone in Chester's Mill, zero f*cks were given by Big Jim. It was like The Last Man on Earth but funnier and less damaging to gender stereotypes. Junior shook his gunshot wound off and laddered to safety, but not before he got in a fight with a butterfly. Remember all the butterflies in this show? They don't give a butterfly turd about crowning the monarch anymore, and now they are evil and bite! Does it matter that butterflies don't have mouths or teeth or jaws with which to bite someone? No. As Jeff Goldblum in Dinosaur Amusement Park said, "Nature will find a way." Especially when nature comes across a twat like Junior. Julia was next to cross the ladder and things went even worse for her as a swarm of butterflies knocked her off the ladder after she dropped her lantern in a butterfly hole, and I wish to Don Rickles that I was funny enough to make this up on my own, but it's what actually happened on the show. Don't worry though, she made it out alive! Elsewhere, Junior fought some more butterflies, using the butterflies' natural enemy: a flare! He lost. Next: Seriously, what is going on? (Continued from Page 2) Meanwhile, in the alternate reality... Norrie was rushing a sorority with zero standards. New character alert! Marg Helgenberger of the CBS classic Intelligence was in Chester's Mill as Christine, the FEMA-appointed handsy trauma therapist, and she just wanted everyone to get over it already. She also visited Sam, who was in jail attending AAA (Alcoholic Axe-Murderers Anonymous) meetings. But again, her stance was, "So you killed a girl, so what?" This woman was a "glass is totally f*cking full and overflowing everywhere" kind of person. Soon after the big Chester's Mill memorial was happening, and the dome-morial itself showed all the names of those perished... under the dome. Christine went on and on about fire and flames like she was worshipping the Lord of Light before she let someone else speak. Go for it, Joe! Be strong, buddy. Joe got straight-up Kanye'd by Barbie, who interrupted Joe mid-sobbing-noise to While Barbie was verbally making love to Julia on the platform (his new girl seemed pretty chill about it), Ben had to come and f*ck it all up. THEY KILLED BEN, MY FAVORITE CHARACTER! ---- YOU, SHOW! F YOU! But how did he die? Hold onto your butts because this was where it got weird and your life would never be the same after. Melanie was in an underground antechamber choking a version of Ben that just came out of a slimy cocoon! Next: I'm not joking, what the eff is going on here? (Continued from Page 3) WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE? Was this some sort of alternate reality where the actual bodies of the Chester's Mill residents were being held in pods underground like in The Matrix but their consciouses were gathered together in a sideways reality like the show Lost and it all was as entertaining as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2? Yep, that's exactly what was happening. Melanie walked over and found Junior's body fresh off the ass-kicking he took from the mean old butterflies and then she did this! And then all of a sudden Junior was in that weird white room! Then he was covered in white goo while Melanie watched him and explained that it would all be over once Junior and pals became who they needed them to be, but first she had to fix everyone !!! Then Julia met up with Melanie but they didn't kiss (drats) and instead decided to go find the egg. Remember the egg? Well it's still important, apparently, and Melanie's dad had it, or he gave it to the military or something. Ugh, this show is so stupid. But how would they get a message to her dad when they were stuck inside a dome? (This was the REAL reality, so the dome was still there.) THEY WROTE ON THE DOME! And Daddy just happened to be watching Dome TV, so he got the military to give him the egg so he could teleport into the bottom of the lake and then swim to shore. But for some reason Melanie met her Daddy with a choke and then killed him. At about this time, you really had to wonder if Melanie was a cool person or not. I say no. Melanie ran off with the egg while sleeping Julia was none the wiser. Back in Chester's Matrix, Barbie saw that Junior had come back and he decrypted a cell-phone video from Ben's phone that showed the same guy doing like 10 different jobs in Chester's Mill (it was also a guy that Barbie busted in Yemen). That was Ben's proof that something weird was going on, as if everything else wasn't weird enough already. I don't know if this was an important detail or not, but it happened. Back in the REAL Chester's Mill (these episodes bounced back and forth between reality and dreamland like a narcoleptic on Xanax) Julia and Big Jim met up and he called her dumb. Don't you go calling Julia dumb! Back in Chester's Matrix, everything was going well for people! Norrie and Hunter were cozying up and getting drunk off "hard" lemonade, Barbie's girlfriend almost died but she was pregnant, Junior was setting his house on fire, and Joe went to see Sam in jail and then Sam got gut-shanked to death! Pretty cool string of events that just happened for pretty much no reason whatsoever. Meanwhile, Julia went underground to find Melanie, who was putting the egg on a giant purple pod that contained a mystery person. And then Big Jim showed up and destroyed the egg! Purple lights shot everywhere and then all the pod people started crawling out of their pods all covered in goo! And that's it! That's how it ended. I have no idea what's going on. I have no theories. I don't know if there is actually a dome left. I don't even know if this was the right episode for CBS to broadcast. Apologies to any of my Yemenese readers. BYE!
More... (http://news.yahoo.com/under-dome-heck-just-happened-140600408.html)
More... (http://news.yahoo.com/under-dome-heck-just-happened-140600408.html)